The nature of trust

Hugo recently posted about how to rebuild trust that has been broken in a romantic relationship. First of all, I am sincerely awed by Hugo’s willingness to face up publicly to what he has been… it gives those still journeying hope that there is a destination.

I find the topic of trust a very interesting one, and it is one that I am working at the moment.

Like Seren in A Distant Soil, I would turn like a flower to the sun, to the slightest hint of kindness or desire. That kind of behaviour, has gotten me into many a pickle. I trusted too easily. I was determined to think the best of everyone.

Over the period of 21 years, everyone in my life that I extended trust to, broke that trust. I guess I am a slow learner, that still as recently as a few months ago I was determined to trust. By the time I ended up in therapy, I was putting such focus on tiny interactions that I felt literally betrayed by the bus driver that drove my morning bus route when he retired. When the cafe I bought a bagel from every saturday closed I cried for hours. It was just silly. My therapist said that I had ‘abandonment issues’. I would often have dreams where someone I loved would chain me to a post, and then get in a car and drive away.

Those dreams began when my Nonna got married and moved away, when I was 14, and didn’t stop until earlier this year.

Often I didn’t even really trust someone, I was baring my throat to every predator that went by, hoping that one day someone would refuse to hurt me. I guess that vulnerability is nigh on irresistible, cos to date, there is only one man that has refused to fuck me over when given the opportunity.

Recently I’ve been spending quite a lot of time with people I *know* I can’t trust, cos often the certainty that they have already betrayed me is simply easier to deal with, than the idea that maybe a trusted friend may betray me at some point in the future.

A week or two ago I decided that this was a pretty fucked up tactic for relationships. Not to mention it was making me pretty angry. So from now on, its people that I trust, or people that have not yet completely fucked up their chances of me trusting them ever again.

Having a girlfriend is an interesting new experience for me. As is being in a relationship where there is mutual desire, and also respect. At first I found it really hard to deal with. I’m getting used to it though, and in fact, at the moment, I am really enjoying it.

One of my favourite things about my girl? She says things like “We should get to know each others friends!”

I love that. I’m so used to having relationships with no overlap between social groups, where my partners efforts have been to isolate me, where its always ‘just the two of us’, or him with his friends, and me with mine. I am already starting to meet some of Farida’s friends, and she mine. We are making efforts to spend time doing things that we can invite others to join in with, and to invite each other to our regular social occasions. 

It’s nice to still have our separate lives, but its also nice to know that we can be friends with each others friends, and friends with each other.

That helps me trust her. That she is willing to talk about things, that she will listen, that she doesn’t want to hurt me, she wants me to say ‘no’ and ’stop’ and ’slow down’ and ‘I feel weird about this’ when I need to say it.

People that want to hear the word ‘no’, that care more about making sure I’m ok, than getting off, or falling in love, or having their ego stroked… these are the people that make my life richer, and these are the people I want in my life.