I was chatting with a t-boy friend the other night, and we got to talking about how the trans* experience effects ones understanding of feminism. We’ve both changed a lot since coming out as trans, which is to be expected. We expected to always be feminist, and still do, but our interpretation of the battles of feminism has changed.

He stated that he doesn’t like feminism as much anymore… and thinking of the radfems, and my trans*woman sisters, I couldn’t help but agree. As a trans*man I sometimes feel like I am being given a free pass that trans*women pay the price for.
My interest in feminism has definitely shifted its focus. Not enough that I would declare myself an equalist or anything like that. I still think that women get a raw deal over all.

I do however feel much more awareness of the ways in which men are fucked over, particularly in their emotional and family sphere. I have a reputation for being as tough as nails, (or so I am told) and I also find it very difficult to cry. A lot of that came from my mum telling me as a child ‘You are such a sook!’. I was a little girl… imagine if I’d been a little boy, and I heard that from every angle.
I might look tough on the outside, but inside I have almost fallen over the edge so many times. I know so many young men that are so obsessed with upholding their masculinity that they lose their humanity along the way.

Sometimes I wonder what my future will be like. Chances are I won’t be able to tap into much in the way of male privilege. Maybe I have already started using and abusing some privileges I am unaware of. I know I am less likely to let myself be talked over these days, especially in all-male situations. (Being the most important and loudest voice is an oft-exercised male privilege). I know that at work I will be less likely to be made diminutive… “little girl” and “good girl” wont be a labels that fit me anymore, and anyone that tries to use them in front of strangers wont get an indulgent smile, they’ll get a raised eyebrow and a ‘You’re cruising for a sexual harassment warning’.
After all, what’s worse than implying a man is a woman? Implying he’s a girl.

I feel a little out of the debate sometimes… White, straight, cisgendered, American feminists seem to control the blogosphere with such entitlement at times, I feel like my voice is so tiny and unheard. I wish more people would read marginal blogs. The blogs of trans*people, people of colour, sex workers, people in other countries and so on. Maybe then they would stop congratulating themselves on their wonderfulness for long enough to realise they are not the most important group, and that they are ignoring, and marginalising, and being paternalistic. There is still so much data to be assimilated into their world view.

I think back to the original CM, and some comments I have left around the place, and I have learned so much. Particularly since I started seeking out blogs that aren’t so straight and white. I feel like so many of my perspectives have changed, and I have learned so much.
Sometimes I sit in class with the kids just out of school, and I feel frustrated with the lack of analysis, but I know that whenever I speak I break their heads. They just don’t get it, not cos they are stupid, just cos they are only 18, just kids. I know I thrill the lecturer’s heart, but I can’t continue to derail the class discussion, while these people are trying to learn to basics.

Some of the young people around the place thrill me with their ability to think critically. My young t-boy friend for example. I don’t agree with everything he says, but to be frank, he is so much more advanced than I was at the same age. I can see seeds of so many different beliefs sprouting and growing in the fertile ground of his experiences.
I have to be honest, I wish with all my heart that I could have just been a normal guy, but I know that if I had been a normal guy, I probably would have been an entirely different person… and I kinda like me how I am.