WHAT ABOUT THE LESBIANZ!?

I was linked to an article from a FTM SO website today. Its called ‘Trans-positioned‘ and may be one of the most entitled pieces of shit I have read about relationships since I was a member of the “Why won’t my wife sleep with me?” forums in 2005.

The person who linked me to it has asked that if I reference her on my blog I name her so that it is clear who I am talking about. So, Farida, this post is in fact inspired by you.

My debate with Farida about the lesbian attitude to transmen has been gone on quite long enough, and her emailing this to me has made me quite lose my temper. I understand that when a lesbian’s lover comes out as transsexual, then it effects her… it has to! However, this article is way out of line.

The article begins like this:

She’s the kind of butch any femme would want: kind and thoughtful, mature and funny, politically aware and playful, handsome and great in bed. You’ve been soaring on cloud nine since the two of you got together.

There’s just one little problem that threatens to bring the whole wonderful lovership to a crashing halt.

She says that despite her female body, she’s actually a man. And she — or should it be “he”? — intends to live as one.

The author Loree then goes on to explain how her lover Marcelle came out as trans to her, and she gave him the ultimatum… transition or her. Marcelle goes back into the closet for nine years, and then when he comes out again Loree discovers that they aren’t the only couple thats going through this, and starts a support group.

With time, these initial gut-level, emotional reactions start getting refined and begin to take shape as questions about identity. Although these questions are all interrelated, they can be roughly grouped into three categories: What does this (transsexuality) make hir? What does it make me? And, what does it make us?

These are the rational questions that must be asked if your relationship is a lesbian relationship, and one of the parties involved comes out as FTM. Particularly because ‘lesbian’ is often a political identity as well as a sexual orientation. As the article continues it begins to annoy me… and then enrage me!

Couples also sometimes argue over who controls the coming-out process, particularly if the FTM wants to look like and be treated as a “normal guy” and his lover highly values a more transgressive persona.

This statement reeks of entitlement. The paragraphs preceding it focus on how the lesbian partner can maintain her own identity, with statements like

“Even when things go a little more slowly, each step the transsexual partner takes toward his true identity represents a step away from the lesbian partner’s preferred identity.”

and

“I’m really wary of giving up my identity for someone else. That seems like such a stereotypical femme thing to do — ‘it’s o.k., honey, your identity is more important than mine.”

Right, so heaven forbid he trespass on your lesbian identity, but if you want to be with someone who is gender transgressive, then he wont be a man, by gum! You’ll fight with him over it!
No one should ever control someone elses coming out process. That this is even being argued about by these couples suggests to me that there are major issues with their relationships.

The section ‘When it ends’ doesn’t need quoting, but can be nicely summarized with:
“More than half of lesbian-FTM relationships end after transition, but its not always the lesbians fault! In fact, lots of these lesbians decide they prefer FTM’s! Here’s a tranny-chasing support group to help you meet single FTM’s!”

“My lover will not BECOME anything different than what and who she has been and he is. I know there will be changes, but he will never be a “MAN,” he will just be [his name], with a body he loves and struts around in.”

I should hope that no one reading this needs to have it explained why THAT little paragraph is so fucked up. STRUTS AROUND IN???? FOR FUCKS SAKE.

So, I acknowledge that for a lesbian who has been in a long term relationship with someone who comes out as transsexual is going to be a big fucking deal. However, there is a simple solution to the problem of being a lesbian who is dating a man… if you are only attracted to women, then BREAK UP WITH HIM.
If you don’t want to break up with him, because you love him, and you can be attracted to his male body, then decide what to do about your identity. If you love him, but find the idea of him as a man repulsive, maybe you have some misandrist attitudes that need some serious examination.

Finally, I don’t plan on ever dating a homosexual woman ever again. EVER. I am a MAN, why would I date someone who’s 5.0 on the Kinsey scale? Therefore I have exactly NO interest in hearing about how transmen transitioning effects lesbians. I don’t want to hear about how lesbians are afraid of men, and how you are attracted to women, and pre-T transmen, but not transwomen or post-T transmen. I don’t care if you are talking about your own hang ups, or the hang ups of ‘the dyke scene in Sydney’, its an ugly ugly set of idea’s and beliefs, full of entitlement, and transphobia. I don’t want to hear any more.

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