Clearing out my drafts folder, I found this post… Originally written 17th May

So a few weeks ago I had a flip out about lesbians. I lost my temper, and wrote an angry blog post fisking a stupid article I was linked to.

At the end of that post I declared that I would never date another lesbian ever again. Now, I still see some problems with dating someone who’s political and sexual identity is centered around only loving other women. I am not so secure in my masculinity that I can date someone that doesn’t consider their sexuality at least a little fluid… same deal for straight men.

I also have difficulty with the kinds of lesbians that say they only date ‘pre-transition’ trans men. After all, thats like putting a time stamp on your relationship, and well, I don’t consider myself pre-transition, although I know that a lot of those women would consider me so. Which means, at what point do I become ‘too transitioned’ to be a suitable partner?

Anyway, this reassessment of lesbians was brought about by the realisation a few days ago that there is in fact a radfem lesbian I would date. I also realised that part of my attraction to her is because she would never date me, and more importantly, the reason she would never date me (I am man, *duh*). It made me wonder if I was too hasty in my judgement that I would never date a lesbian? I don’t know.

Current Thoughts:
Thats as much as I had written, and I got distracted or something. I am kinda over my little ‘ZOMG LESBIANZ ARE TEH EV0L’ thing. Its a bit stupid, and reactionary, and was essentially the result of some hurt feelings.
Lesbians are in fact pretty awesome, and it was silly of me to let my lifelong admiration for dykes get tarnished by one argument.

What I think that is at the core of issue here is the idea of visibility.
I want my masculinity to be visible. I also want my queerness to be visible. This means that sometimes I like to hook up with gay guys just because it reinforces both my masculinity and queerness all in one heady, intoxicating kiss.
A Lesbian dating a trans man wants her queerness to be visible, but unless the couple can negotiate an alternative kind of queerness, she risks erasing or undermining her partners identity in order to ensure hers remains visible. Sometimes trans men stop identifying as queer, and thats cool, but that can suck for his girlfriend, if she identifies as a lesbian, and doesn’t want to redefine as straight.

I tend to either be visibly male, or visibly queer. I am interpreted as one or the other, but rarely both simultaneously. Sometimes its more important to me to be seen as male, sometimes its more important to me to be seen as queer.

Most of the time I can define myself, and thats enough. However, if one is part of a relationship, one cannot define oneself with complete disregard to a partners feelings. If I am dating a man he cannot decide to redefine himself as straight, and expect me to be totally fine with that. (Especially if he starts screwing up my pronouns consistently after this ‘redefinition’ *frowns*)
Of course, if one appears to be in a heterosexual relationship, how does one go about ensuring they are still welcome in queer spaces, still welcome at queer events?
I think that its important for people who are primarily part of cissexual ’same-sex’ relationships to remain aware that bisexuals, and trans people often still define as queer, even if they are not always visibly so.

Any thoughts on this? My idea’s are still kinda fuzzy, so I hope what I am getting at is kinda clear. (Meanwhile, the second half of this post is totally different to the first half, cos I don’t really remember where I was going originally…)