Crossing a Gender Line
Posted by: Ryan on: July 23, 2008
- In: Career| transition
- Comment!
I got a haircut on Monday night. I was charged half way between the mens price, and the ladies price. I presume that this is because the hairdresser was unable to determine my gender, and was too shy to ask.
It had been over two months since my last hair cut, and my hair had been getting unruly and my fringe was acting to feminize my face more than strictly necessary in my opinion. I was very impressed by the results of the haircut, and I’ve just taken a new picture of myself in photo booth.
Here are two pictures of me… one taken today, and one taken exactly one month ago.
A picture of Ryan, taken on the 23rd of June 2008
A picture of Ryan taken today, 23rd of July, 2008
Ignore for a moment how sick I look, and check out how much the shape of my face has changed in one month! Isn’t that remarkable?
I’m quite shocked to tell the truth, about how much I have changed in a single month.
The only place that I consistently don’t pass is at work. I’ve been around, people have seen me around, my email address ‘outs me’, my domain admin access rights are still in my girl name… its a recipe for major stealth-angst if I wanted to make it so.
As it is, I am not too stressed about it. I gently correct people if I’m in the mood, ignore it the rest of the time, unless its someone I’ve already ‘come out’ to. (Like my boss. Grr.)
That said, I’m used to being referred to with female pronouns at work, its just how it is.
However, this afternoon I went across to building 22, which is rather removed from the rest of the university. I was helping a gentleman with a software installation, and then consulted with the cute admin girl about the scanner problem he’s been having. I thanked her for her time, and said a cheerful goodbye.
As I was going, I heard one of the other girls come to her desk and say “Ooh, what was that about?” and the cute girl say “Oh, he just had some questions about how the scanner’s set up over here.”
*OMG! GENDER WIN*
I feel like it was a rather momentous incident. Especially cos I don’t even TRY to pass at work. I just kinda show up, do my thing, leave. Fag it up a little if I’m hanging with my queer academic types. So fab. Totally love it.
27 Responses to "Crossing a Gender Line"
Oh yeah, big changes in your face. Looking great, mate! This T stuff really works, eh?!
Looking good. Congrats on getting he’d.
I still don’t have the guts to show my face on WP for some reason.
Ryan – don’t take this the wrong way – but the whole posture even in the June photo screams “Male”.
Yes, T is powerful stuff. But that can only change the shape.
I don’t think you’ve really been able to 100% pass as 46xx for some time.
*OMG! GENDER WIN*
Punching the air and saying “WOOT” is not just allowable, it’s expected under the circumstances. It’s a guy thing, I’ve observed.
Even though this isn’t the first, it’s just the first you’ve noticed.
Hi Everyone!
@nix, Jacky and GO:
Thanks! 
@zoebrain
YOU are my new favourite person. 
You are quite right about not passing as 46xx for a while. I’ve been getting asked all kinds of questions from ‘are you a dyke?’ up to and including ‘are you intersexed?’ for months.
Only place I’ve been consistently ’she’ has been at work. Its all about the posture, and the way I move… and now I’m not playing some kinda female role 24-7, I’m much more comfortable, and all my masculinity is seeping out.
Congrats
If you really want to be read as male, sling your shoulders back, swing your arms around a bit and lead with your pelvis. It’s all about making sure the world knows you’re claiming your space and occupying it very visibly. In fact, that could be a rule of thumb for the whole thing.
Remarkable difference. I’m very happy to hear that things are progressing well for you.
–Lottie (regular lurker)
Mike – I differ. All *he* has to do is be *him*self. Relax and not “try” to do anything. He’s already hard-wired in the brain as M.
You’re right in one respect though, just not the way you mean. I had to learn to do exactly what you’re describing in order to conceal my situation, despite the M type body. It wasn’t instinctive for me, I’m of the opposite polarity, so to speak.
I think Mike was trying to be funny. In fact, I’d bet on it.
zoebrain: Well, that’s a debatable point. And more to the point, even if we accept that as true, it’s not wired into his behaviour. Or, come to that, his hips.
Lottie is right (as usual!) in that I was being funny in the presentation of my point, but the point remains valid.
@Lottie Hey, welcome! Nice to know I have lurkers around.
@Mike Very funny… that advice is pretty much in every FTM passing guide I have read.
@zoebrain & @Mike
I think that this discussion will lead us to a nature vs nurture debate eventually, but I can explain my experience of this. When I was a child and a teen I tended towards very masculine behaviour. I can remember when I started being told that I was ‘walking wrong’ and ’sitting wrong’. So in that sense masculinity appeared to be ‘hardwired’ into me. (Although its arguable that I was learning masculine behaviour from men and boys around me before I twigged that I was meant to pretend to be a girl)…
That said… I am now 22. I’ve undergone fairly intense social conditioning to be more feminine. There are more complex feminine behaviours I still cannot actually understand, interpret and mimic. (For example, various social practices in ‘girls only’ situations, make up, how to dress appropriately for events etc etc etc)
Some things, like speaking in a ‘cute’ voice to older men, not interrupting older people, letting people speak over me, I have huge amounts of trouble with, because I’ve absorbed so many cultural messages, and been overtly reprimanded for violating these social rules so many times.
As for the comment that masculinity is not hardwired into my hips… I don’t know what that means, but I find it problematic, if not offensive.
I once read an (pop science) article about how women walk a certain way and its impossible for them to not walk that way cos of the shape of their pelvis, and its all sexy to men bla bla bla…. I can tell you right now, thats a myth.
There’s been one or two occassions where I’ve tried to walk in a more feminine manner, but this has usually been met with laughter of friends as they exclaim ‘HA! Are you trying to walk like a GIRL!?’
My hips don’t swing or swish, or wiggle… unless I really try. And then I look silly.
[...] my face is a little fuller and less angular (though I don’t know if it’s as dramatic as Ryan’s facial changes), and the back shot indicates a little more muscle bulk. I don’t yet pass consistently, but [...]
Whoa, I wouldn’t have recognized you as FtM if I hadn’t known :O
“I started being told that I was ‘walking wrong’ and ’sitting wrong’”
God, that brings back memories… I *tried* walking the “right” way when I was little, but I ended up walking funny for both male AND female standards. (I think I still do…)
I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!
Ryan:
*shrug* As much as I support your transition, humans are sexually dimorphic, you were born with XX chromosomes and socialised at least partly towards the feminine.
It’s not a criticism, just an acknowledgement of the facts of biology; inasmuch as you may act according to the standards of masculinity, you have a different set of hip bones and a different pelvic structure, and so you will at least some of the time walk or have walked like a woman.
Sorry for the delay… You know how I am with staying on top of threads. Random is the word.
Hi Mike,
I understand that you are not criticising me, but seriously, one’s pelvic structure is not as important in the way someone walks as socialisation. I read an article once about how the female pelvic structure makes women walk like women… but seriously, even after reading that, my efforts to walk like a girl didn’t come to much. It took me a lot of practice to get even close.
If you look closely, you will notice that many cissexual women don’t walk in a way which is any way feminine, (esp lesbians) and many cissexual gay men walk with a girly gait to indicate their homosexuality. Most of them turn that on and off depending on situation, which I feel indicates a cultural/social aspect, more than a biological one.
RE: Conversation going on here between Mike and Ryan
Aside from issues of passing as they relate to safety, I don’t care at all about picking up certain male mannerisms, such as taking up space. Honestly, I’m just trying to be ME, and I don’t really care if (for example) crossing my legs “the wrong way” is not male enough.
I read somewhere that to pass, I should never offer the seat next to me on a bus. Instead, I should toss my bag into the seat and only move it for someone if there are no other places for them to sit. Well, I think that’s just rude, and we don’t need any more rude guys in this world.
Another trans friend of mine had one of his biomale friends tell him that he should no longer tell friends that he loves them—guys don’t do that! My buddy quickly (and wisely) rejected that. More Western World ridiculousness! In Iraq, (straight) men hold hands, embrace and say, “Habibi!” a term of endearment that literally means “my beloved.”
Again, if I need to pass to avoid violence, the rules change, but generally speaking I’m not going to try and change my behavior all that much just to fit into an arbitrary cultural conception of masculinity.
I’m with you, G.O. I refuse to be one of those rude assholes on public transit who thinks it’s OK to sit with his legs two feet apart, thus taking up three seats (his own and the one on either side of him). I refuse to “pretend” to be rude, distant and uncaring just to be read as male. I’m lucky, I grew up with a very tender father and I’ve had other men in my life who were kind and caring so my vision of masculinity is MUCH different than what some of my guy friends tell me I should be doing to be a “real” guy”. If being a “real” guy means maintaining male privilege to some people, they need to take a close look at themselves and where they got these notions.
I totally agree with both GO and Jacky regarding abuse of male privilege.
I’ve already come across situations where the rules are changing… People give me more personal space, my straight male friends don’t want to hug (even to say goodbye) and so on and on.
Some of it I enjoy. For example, not having to fight to get my personal space is nice. The lack of sexual harassment is nice. I still have plenty of fags around, so I’m not lacking for hugs.
But I don’t need to push into line for the bus, or take up multiple seats, or speak over female friends, and on and on.
And I really don’t care how I’m read most of the time. Fag, Butch, dyke, straight boy (well, I’m a bit ew about straight boy), its all much the same to me these days.
I certainly hope this isn’t deteriorating into an attack on Mike. Discussing bone structure and the different ways that people carry themselves and why, is hardly the same as suggesting that someone pretend to be rude, distant or uncaring.
Mike is the most gentle, sensitive, attentive and caring man I’ve ever known (we’re married). Neither of us believe in the concept of “real” men or “real” anything else along those lines. No-one is the gatekeeper of such things.
I know you were replying to G.O., Jacky, but G.O. was responding, at least in part, to Mike, and it’s starting to sound like Mike is being lumped in with people who think that being a “rude asshole” is part and parcel of being male. I happen to know that that’s not at all where he’s coming from.
Bottom line, we’re all basically on the same page here: we should all treat each other with respect and common decency, and no-one should apologize for being him/herself, whatever that may entail.
And I know Mike is quite capable of speaking for himself. He’s just rubbish when it comes to keeping up with comments, and I felt the need to defend his honor ( see, we really don’t care about gender roles 
)
Lottie, I am sure that GO and Jacky did not intend to attack Mike, I know that I certainly didn’t.
I think t-boys get a bit touchy about being told ‘how to pass’ especially when so much of the advice is just plain ‘be ruder’. It gets up my nose, thats for sure.
I understand that Mike’s comments are related to bone structure, and I think he’s wrong, but I also know that what he believes is a fairly common idea, and I’ve even seen papers written on the topic. I also thought those papers were wrong, and poorly researched, and mostly about some scientists preconceived notions regarding gender.
Thanks, Ryan. I’m sure you’re right. I just felt the need to say something.
I can imagine that it’s a touchy subject. I didn’t know until reading this comment section that you guys are often advised to be jerks, basically. That’s wrong on so many levels that the subject deserves a post all its own (I’m sure there are quite a few).
So, just out of curiosity (I still have a lot to learn on the subject) you’re not disputing that our bone and pelvic structures are different, just that those differences don’t determine how we walk as much as socialization? I’m definitely interested in reading more about that if you can point me in the right direction.
Thanks!
Hi Lottie,
I don’t know where I would redirect you to, cos I can’t remember where I read most of what I have about the way people walk, most of it was pre-transition, so I wasn’t even thinking in terms of trans people at the time, just in terms of ‘Um, but I can’t walk like a girl, OH GOD IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY HIPS???’
One other example I read on the internet was in a ‘How to pass’ guide for trans women that said that the quickest way to learn to walk like a girl with the appropriate stride length, hip wiggle etc, was the learn to walk properly in heels, and then just walk like that no matter what you are wearing on your feet.
That would have been useful advice for me back in the day, since I couldn’t walk in heels at all (the few times I did wear heels I got asked if I had something wrong with my legs cos I was walking so awkwardly). I might have been better at passing as a cisgirl if I learned to walk like a girl.
My girlfriend has been looking at old pics and stuff of me in girl mode, and has been marvelling at how much I looked like a trans woman, in spite of my feminine features, and extremely girly clothes.
I was even mistaken for a trans woman by a guy I had FUCKED once. I shit you not.
I guess it makes sense. If you move like a man, but dress like a drag queen hyper-femme, people are gonna think ‘tranny’ not ‘tom boy’ or ‘dyke’, like they would have if I was wearing pants and Doc Martens.
Oh yeah, I was most definitely NOT attacking Mike, just elaborating on the discussion that he and Ryan were having.
As for hips, I have none really. I was complaining to my chiropractor recently about pain in my foot and he took a long look at my hips and leg structure, then asked about my shoes. I’d been regularly wearing these Merrell hikers that have a Q-form (I think it’s called) design. They’re specifically designed for women’s musculo-skeletal structure. My chiro exclaimed: But you don’t have a woman’s structure, ditch the shoes! As it turns out, I outgrew them anyway, and my foot pain is gone. As for how I walk, well, it’s definitely not feminine!
That’s OK, Ryan. I can look it up. I’m particularly interested because when I was a teenager I was told, on a few occasions, that I walked like a guy. Sometimes they said, “like a dyke”. Then later, when I was in my mid-twenties, I was maid or honor (or whatever) in my sister’s wedding, and several people commented on how “gracefully” I walked down to aisle, “like a model”, one person said. I wonder how much of it was down to my body developing, and how much it was a result of socialization. It’s an interesting topic, indeed.
G.O. – Thanks for clarifying. That’s kind of what I thought – that you were just expanding on the subject. I just wanted to make sure that no-one confused my sweetheart of a man for some jerk. Hahaha… I hope I didn’t sound defensive or anything. I appreciate everything you said, and totally agree!
So good advice from the chiro, then! Interesting, too, that you don’t have a female structure. You’re FTM right?
Also, I really hope you guys don’t mind me asking these questions. I’ve had tons of questions over the years, but I hesitate to ask because I want to respect people’s privacy and boundaries. I wonder if this might be the appropriate setting, though? If it’s OK with Ryan and everyone else, I’d like to put a question or two out there once in a while, as they occur to me. If it’s not OK, just tell me to shut up and mind my business.
Sorry, G.O. I see the answer to my question has been covered already. Duh! I must’ve had a brain fart or something. LOL
@G.O. Thats really interesting about the shoes. I have bad feet, and have found that I don’t get sore feet in my mens boots the way I do in girl shoes. I don’t even need my orthotics in mens shoes, but I wear them anyway from habit.
However, my hips are really wide and girl shaped, so I had always assumed its cos mens shoes, like mens pants, are better quality than women’s shoes.
@Lottie If you want to ask any questions thats fine, I may even make a series of question and answer posts about trans stuff. I’ve not felt like blogging much recently, but maybe I just need a little inspiration? You can email me at JustAskCM [AT] gmail [DOT] com.
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1 | nix
July 23, 2008 at 8:09 pm
looking damn hot, my friend! and the difference is really there! *is slightly envious, yet full of glee for you*