Crossing a Gender Line

I got a haircut on Monday night. I was charged half way between the mens price, and the ladies price. I presume that this is because the hairdresser was unable to determine my gender, and was too shy to ask.
It had been over two months since my last hair cut, and my hair had been getting unruly and my fringe was acting to feminize my face more than strictly necessary in my opinion. I was very impressed by the results of the haircut, and I’ve just taken a new picture of myself in photo booth.

Here are two pictures of me… one taken today, and one taken exactly one month ago.

A picture of Ryan, taken on the 23rd of June 2008

A picture of Ryan taken today, 23rd of July, 2008

Ignore for a moment how sick I look, and check out how much the shape of my face has changed in one month! Isn’t that remarkable?
I’m quite shocked to tell the truth, about how much I have changed in a single month.

The only place that I consistently don’t pass is at work. I’ve been around, people have seen me around, my email address ‘outs me’, my domain admin access rights are still in my girl name… its a recipe for major stealth-angst if I wanted to make it so.
As it is, I am not too stressed about it. I gently correct people if I’m in the mood, ignore it the rest of the time, unless its someone I’ve already ‘come out’ to. (Like my boss. Grr.)
That said, I’m used to being referred to with female pronouns at work, its just how it is.

However, this afternoon I went across to building 22, which is rather removed from the rest of the university. I was helping a gentleman with a software installation, and then consulted with the cute admin girl about the scanner problem he’s been having. I thanked her for her time, and said a cheerful goodbye.
As I was going, I heard one of the other girls come to her desk and say “Ooh, what was that about?” and the cute girl say “Oh, he just had some questions about how the scanner’s set up over here.”

*OMG! GENDER WIN*

I feel like it was a rather momentous incident. Especially cos I don’t even TRY to pass at work. I just kinda show up, do my thing, leave. Fag it up a little if I’m hanging with my queer academic types. So fab. Totally love it.

X-World 08: Not as porny as it sounds. :(

So I’m off to an Apple Conference called ‘X-World’. I wish that it was the porn conference it sounds like, but no, its not.
To be frank the whole thing sounds rather boring, and given the amount going on in my life at the moment, I would prefer to just stay here.

I have a pile of work to do on Campus, probably explained by me spending the week up til I got my t shot sitting at my desk sulking instead of actually doing work. I also have to find homes for my cats, and pack my stuff and clean the Cottage and sell my excess furniture and GAH!

ANYWAY, given there is meant to be free internet at the conference, I may actually finish some of those blog posts that have been simmering in my drafts folder.

Anyone around in Sydney that would care to hang out? I don’t plan on spending any more time than absolutely necessary in the company of my colleagues.

Why couldn’t the conference have been in Melbourne? All the cool kids live in Melbourne. *sigh*

In Which I am Declared Normal

I’ve not really been in the mood to blog recently, and then I went to Melbourne. So its been a bit quiet around here. My trip to Melbourne was fun. I met Nixwilliams and ForsakenDaemon in person, and hung out in queer book stores and such.

It was a pleasant trip. I’ve felt a bit under the weather since getting back, but I am sure that is mostly to do with being home from a nice holiday.

This afternoon though, something happened. We found out that one of the people that used to work here with my colleagues has come out as transsexual, and is transitioning.
My colleagues are a nice bunch of guys… not malicious, just clueless. However, I got upset when my boss said that I was ‘normal’ but this person was ‘creepy’. I got even more upset when he suggested that they post this persons transition pictures on Whirlpool, an Australian IT forum because ‘the guys on there really hated him’.

I kinda freaked out a little and pointed out that trans women get KILLED cos of being trans, and that he wouldn’t seriously want to have the destruction of someone’s career, or their very life on his hands would he?

He didn’t post them, he clearly hadn’t thought it through. I left for some air after that. When I got back to the office, Matej and my boss apologised to me. They seemed to feel the need to make it clear that they weren’t talking about me… but I pointed out to them that its not about me, its about the safety of a human being that they were compromising for ’shits and giggles’.

Its a cold comfort to know that even though they can accept me as a human being, and a ‘normal guy’, they can’t extend that to some poor MTF that they have also all met and gotten to know. Their pale excuses that ‘he’ was always ‘weird’ and ‘creepy’ and ‘bizarre’ sounded hollow to my ears.

I think that this person is brave. I checked their professional profile on LinkedIn, and there they are, with their male name, but their photo is of them in girl-mode. I was impressed. So impressed. But my colleagues didn’t see the ballsy, gutsy bravery it takes to do such a thing, to out ones self in the professional arena, to risk their career, their marriage, their everything to be themselves.

One of my colleagues pointed out that they are self-medicating eostrogen using their wifes pill prescription. I said that not everyone is as lucky as me, not everyone finds a supportive doctor. Some people have to do desperate things.
Just because one doesn’t have a diagnosis it doesn’t make their actions any less valid. How many of them would want to take their wifes contraceptives in order to appear more feminine?

I feel a bit sad that they don’t understand. After 8 months of working with a transsexual, the best they can do is understand that *I* am normal, but they can’t extend that to other trannies. Its really really sad.

Quick Update

I’m still working on Religion 2, but I’ll post it when its done. I’m a bit distracted by working on a job application for MY DREAM JOB.

Will resurface soon.

Outsourcing and Redundancy

So we were informed today that we *may* be made redundant because the university *may* outsource the IT department. The union has secured us packages, but haven’t saved our jobs… er, that *may* be outsourced. It was made very clear that no final decision has been made, but somehow I wasn’t terribly convinced.
To be honest, this job means the world to me. I love the people I work with, and I love working in the Education sector. Most of all, I love having a stable job… a permanent full time position.

I am a little tired of my life turning upside down every single time I think that I will be able to actually relax for a moment. I’ve just gone on T, I don’t want to start job-hunting at the moment. I know that even in the worst case scenario, I have a job until August, and I will be paid out a package of some description. Thats a pretty cold comfort though.

I am trying to look at this as yet another opportunity. I mean, its a prod in the direction of moving on to Melbourne or Brisbane. Maybe even Sydney, though that is less likely. I have been planning to move back to Melbourne anyway, but I didn’t think it would be until late 2009, or 2010. If I get made redundant though, all the more reason for a fresh start. If I find a good job down there before getting made redundant, even better.

So, anyway, for those of you interested, and in Australia, who might be able to point me in the direction of companies with a need for IT people, a brief look at my skills:
- Certification in ITIL v3 Foundations
- Mac OS X Desktop Support 10.5
- Competent in the use of Windows XP, Ubuntu and Mac OS X 10.4 and 10.5
- Excellent communications skills
- Excellent problem solving skills
- I learn freakishly fast
- Experience in customer service, with education and government clients, as well as private sector

And now I have until August to become an excellent programmer. Code monkeys can always get jobs.
Any suggestions for particularly *employable* programming languages at the moment?

Barely Legal…

I am legally Ryan now. My name change paperwork came in the post on Friday, but I had to go to the post office this morning to collect it. We are a little suburb, so our Newsagency doubles as a Post Office. I wandered in and handed over my collection card, and the guy behind the counter took it, and pulled out his book delivery details.
He scanned the list.
And again.
And again.
Looked at my card, which had R. S**** printed on it.
Looked at me.
I point at the bottom entry in the delivery book: [Girly girl name starting with R] Josephine S****
He looks at it, looks at the card, looks at me.
“That you is it?”
I nod.
He looks at me doubtfully.
“You sure?”
“Yeah…”
“I’ll have to see ID.”
I pull out my bright pink 18+ card… some joker in state government decided that colour coding photo ID by gender was a great idea. He takes the ID, and gives me the doubtful look that I am used to from being carded in clubs and pubs. “That you, eh?”
“Yeah”
“Ok, write your name down, and sign here.”
He then had me sign absolutely every piece of paper that had anything to do with the paperwork he was handing over to me, just to cover his arse. It was in an officially official government envelope after all.
I bought the 10 ride bus pass I buy every Monday morning from him, and noted with amusement that he looked closer at the front of my credit card this time, and sees that it has the girly name there too.

I got to work this morning, and showed my boss, and one of the other guys my paperwork. My boss is looking doubtful as to the reason for my excitement and says “So you changed it from Rhian to Ryan…” (they are pronounced the same).
My other colleague points to the paperwork and says ‘No, look closer’
“[[GIRLNAME]]!!???!” My boss exclaims staring at me wide eyed.
“Yeah, that is why I don’t use that name.”

I wandered up to HR after that, and asked who to talk to about changing personal details. The girl behind the counter tells me I can do it myself via HR online. I say ‘What about name?’ and she says “Did you get married!??”
I explain that no, I have just officially changed my first name to the name I am known by anyway. She pulls out a bunch of paperwork, and I start filling it in, explaining that I need Ms changed to Mr, and F to M in the system too, cos its incorrect.
She said to me “Oh, no! Thats terrible!” and got me to highlight the changes I needed on the form in yellow marker. She asked me if the paperwork I had was correct, cos it says Female too, and I explained that would be changed, but I had to go through a few more processes before that would happen, but that it is legal to be registered male at work.
She then started asking me questions about my right to marry, and what if I want to marry a girl before they let me change my gender legally.

Over all, the response so far has been respectful, and helpful. I think that I need to send out an email tomorrow with a brief discussion of the what and why. I hear that its causing a slight stir, but the people with details don’t want to gossip, and the people without details are afraid of asking me directly for fear of offending me.

BACK!!

My internet hasn’t been working recently, so I have been forced to go nomadic with my work laptop. I am currently steelin’ internets from Fenner Hall (a college at ANU). It took me 25 mins to figure out how to get on the network…My enrollment has been suspended it seems. I left my enrolment too late. Most upsetting. I have to pay a late fee of $125 if I want to enroll. It doesn’t seem worth it frankly. *growls* Anyway, in other news! My time offline has been spent writing many blog posts! It has also been spent PLOTTING with Farida to start a joint comic-blog which will probably be called “The Centre for Insanity”. We haven’t finalised that yet. So on to the many posts I have written!

And the world turns…

Things are finally looking up for me. Life is stable. I’ve got an interesting and fun, well paying job, with friendly colleagues. I have no major health issues. No personal disasters. My debt level has begun to decrease instead of increasing. I have a safe place to live. I have a beautiful girlfriend. I have a bunch of good, supportive friends.

I have leisure time for drawing, and for painting, and for writing. I have a job that facilitates me spending time learning about IT processes and management, as well as technical skills such as scripting etc. My employer is a university, and my direct supervisors are wonderful people.

Everything is great.

I have two reactions to this. One part of me is cheering, and just enjoying it. The other part is waiting for something truly horrible to happen.

Maybe I’ve finally hit my break though. Maybe for a while things will be good. Thats what I hopes happening anyway.

The Importance of Quitting

Last month I was very inactive online. I also didn’t complete NaNoWriMo. This was very upsetting for me, but as the number of things to be completed in the month of November increased, the need to cull excess tasks increased. NaNoWriMo was one of the first to get the axe, being as it was, unrelated to my income, or interpersonal relationships.
I am back though, and plan on being much more active over the coming months, as I settle into my new employment with the University of Canberra.

Throughout my life I have left projects half done. I have three degree’s unfinished, I rarely stick to a major for longer than 2 semesters (Marketing holds the record at 3! Yay!). I have books that I haven’t finished reading, and even more that I haven’t finished writing. My art books tend to be full of unfinished sketches. My career is a bunch of positions lasting about six months each. I am only in touch with one person from highschool, I don’t even have the phone number of any of my other year mates, or any of the friends from first year uni for that matter.

On this backdrop I decided that I was a failure. That I didn’t finish things out of a fear of failure, and so became a failure. I wondered why too, because I am quite stubborn, and determined. I have had more than one person comment that I am one of the most motivated and ambitious people they have ever met. At first I decided that I used to be a quitter, but now I’ve changed into this motivated ambitious person they see.

But this past month? I quit NaNoWriMo. I quit my job again. I wrote a bunch of plans for applications that I didn’t write, and created a budgeting spreadsheet I don’t use. I am still a quitter!

Sometimes quitting is the best option. It isn’t the action of giving up that is important, it is the motivation behind it. When I left MAC1 my fellow employees tried to talk me into remaining, one accused me of being a ‘quitter’, and not sticking it out under pressure. My experience at MAC1 was not healthy. I was working massive amounts of overtime, and being under appreciated. Though I stayed longer than I should have to avoid being labelled a ‘quitter’, leaving was the best thing for me at the time. When I was in an abusive relationship with a man I didn’t love anymore, I didn’t leave him because people told me that relationships are hard, and I had to work at it… I couldn’t just leave at the first hint of trouble. When I finally left my only regret was that it wasn’t sooner.

When I look at all the things that I have quit, they have always been for good reasons. Fear of failure has come up for me a few times, of course, but I don’t think that is really a primary motivator for me.

I quit Christianity, I quit being straight, I quit having abusive relationships, I quit trying to be girly, I quit trying to figure out who I am, and keep a job, and do a degree all at the same time.This past month I culled commitments down to those I could realistically handle… not cos I was afraid of meeting the requirements of NaNoWriMo, but because I wanted to be able to achieve success in some of my endeavours, instead of sacrificing all of them to a hectic workload.

Yes, I am a quitter. I’m a quitter, but I am proud of it.

Retail Blues

So I’ve started work in a Newsagency… the money is good, the boss is flexible, and the work is light. I am also brain-numb from the mindless tedium of it, after only a shift and a half.

So my boss is a really ancient Chinese guy. I find him quite amusing, and he has taken a shine to me, which is good, since one of the other girls said he was really pissed about the employment agency sending a guy. O_o It was only when I arrived that he realised I was a female ‘Rhian’ not a male ‘Ryan’.
He is not a big fan of my short hair, and blokey polo-tops. I am meant to dress modestly… he told me so when I was hired… no ’sexy v-necks’, no ’short skirts’, ‘flat shoes, and a big smile’ are my uniform.
It seems I am also not meant to dress like a man either, I am meant to walk the impossible ‘demure but still attractive’ line. Frankly, I couldn’t be arsed.

So anyway the other girls employed at the Newsagency are all slim, extremely pretty, and have long curly hair. One has the prettiest strawberry curls I have seen in my life. He may only hire female ANU students, but he certainly isn’t racist, as one of the other girls there is a brown person of as yet undetermined descent. I think she may be aboriginal or torres straight islander.
Needless to say, I feel extremely awkward, and tall, and generally enormous, cumbersome, and out of place. My standard “Confronted by the Overwhelming Gender Conformity Expected by the Patriarchy, Oh Fuck I don’t Belong” feeling.

My last shift I just kind of distracted myself with dusting, and rearranging, and learning the computer system and such, and was blown out by Chin, my boss, offering me a store management position at the end of my first day there.

Today I was left to reflect. For hours. With nothing else to do except stare at the ‘18+ Male Interest’ section, and wonder why, oh why the YOUTH edition of LOTL was sitting next to Penthouse, and Playboy. Then I realised that it probably never occurred to Chin that a magazine about lesbians is for anything other than to please men, and he had probably never opened the mag to realise that there is no explicit content, and so no real reason to have it in the adults section.
I asked one of the other girls and she said that she had been slowly moving the mag across the section, and now it was on the outer edge, and she was hoping by the next stocktake to have it across in the ‘alt lifestyle’ section with the tattoo magazines and such.

So all in all, I am in a really bad mood tonight. I don’t mind being called sweetheart, and darling all day. I can deal with that, that is Australian Men after all. But enforced laziness. Standing, doing nothing, for HOURS?
I’ll go mad. I will. Every time I left my place behind the counter I was sent back. No dusting, or remerchandising for me today. Ooh no. My fragile little brain may not cope if I work too hard, or try to learn more than one item in a day. I should stand behind the counter and do nothing, to ensure I don’t get stressed out.
Seriously. They are only teaching me one thing per shift. So last shift I was shown the POS, which is a piece of cake, and I only had to be shown once, cos I have been in retail for 4 years, you know. Today they taught me the lottery POS, which a different but similarly idiot-proof system. Tomorrow, they might teach me… oh I don’t know… how the dry cleaning system works. (I watched the other girl do it today… its as simple as writing down the number of garments and tearing off the appropriate number of tickets).

So anyway, I liberated a copy of LOTL from the Porn Display, and plan on chopping it up to make pretty pretty posters for my bedroom walls. I wonder how long I will last in this job. I really can’t imagine it will be long.